Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*