Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
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“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
no one likes gloating
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?