Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
They got a point!
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*