Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
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Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Peter Parker Peter Driver
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
an octopus is just a wet spider
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Uh oh 👀
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?