Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
So inspired right now.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.