Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music