occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
yeah not falling for this one
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.