Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

Message from the dog groomers

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen