@pakalupapito
@3sunzzz
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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@3sunzzz
@lmegordon
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
@WeissBrandon
Oh no sir, that shark wasn’t attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.
@Sean_Burgundy_
There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”
@rickolantern
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
@thatdutchperson
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
@PortRooster
Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!
@apok842
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
@robfee
Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.