occupation: the family disappointment

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I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.

Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?


Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.



ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya


How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?


After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.


If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.


FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope