My birthstone is a marshmallow
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I missed you with all my darts
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat