@pakalupapito

occupation: the family disappointment

You Might Also Like

@3sunzzz

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

@lmegordon

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

@WeissBrandon

Oh no sir, that shark wasn’t attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.

@Sean_Burgundy_

There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”

@rickolantern

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

@thatdutchperson

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

@PortRooster

Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!

@apok842

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

@robfee

Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.