occupation: the family disappointment

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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.


Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.


Oh no sir, that shark wasn’t attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.


There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”


The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out


Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’


Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!


I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.


Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.