@pakalupapito
@TheDailySchmuck
I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.
Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?
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@TheDailySchmuck
@NewDadNotes
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
@moose_chocolate
Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
@MatCro
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
@Shen_the_Bird
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
@3sunzzz
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
@vineyille
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
@noteverytula
The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?
@samalmightysam
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
@ArfMeasures
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope