I’m black but not ” can’t understand the Winter Olympics” black.
Those guys in the ski race are running from cops on a bobsled, right?
occupation: the family disappointment
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope