@pakalupapito

occupation: the family disappointment

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@HelloJessicaFox

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

@KeetPotato

japanese chef: “we need a name for our sauce”
me: “what about Keithyaki? haha”
my friend Teri: “i have a much better idea”

@3sunzzz

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

@Audenary

Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.

@Schooney_Tunes

Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.

@juliussharpe

I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.

@psybermonkey

Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that’s where the morgue is

@oakhillbargrill

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

@ElliotHetherton

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true