Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

no one likes gloating

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.