@MarlonBrandNO

Oceanography is all about current events

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@Staggfilms

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

@StewieTea2

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He’s doing a 3 year stretch.

@mckaycoppins

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

@DuckhouseMedia

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

@juneohara65

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

@Ivsy01

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

@HatfieldAnne

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

@bourgeoisalien

In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit