ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Oceanography is all about current events
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My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He’s doing a 3 year stretch.
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit