Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”