Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend