Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

So, can we agree on 4 or

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.