Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

☺️

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME