Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

What.

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

weaknesses

Sounds like a real hoot.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say