Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

I’m hunting wabbits…

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.