Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
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Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
an airline just for babies.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile