Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.