Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?