Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
barbara was highly relatable
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.