Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler