October 31
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[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Imma just leave this here…………
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.