October 31
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Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Windows
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]