Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

don’t we all

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing