October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.