October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
You Might Also Like
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Cndnsd Mlk
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.