Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.