Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

🤣dope

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

this independent good boy don’t need no human

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

Me, flirting😏

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

He took my last fry, your honor

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.