October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
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“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.