Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

work smarter, not harder

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]