Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

This is my pinned tweet

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything