Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.

Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!

Who chose this font

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

starting a garage orchestra

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.