Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

I’m a self-made hundredaire