Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

My favorite farside!!