Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
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For anyone who needs this today
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen