Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Rt to bother an English speaker

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.