*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.