No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
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throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
every. time.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
What about second breakfast?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.