me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
The fall of Netflix
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs