Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Family Celebrity
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3