Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two