Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
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(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
What if all the cashiers are married?
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND