Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*