OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
O: Yes
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*

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I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.


ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that


[just time traveled to the past]

them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works

me: lol no

them: can u explain literally anything

me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks


*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*


I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!


6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.


when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican


i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck


‘Find a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara ‘ lol mate ruin any part of my makeup nd ur gettin smacked down