[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
You Might Also Like
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
never compromise your values
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Every Adele song is about lasagna.