Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
