Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Unimpressed
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
