Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.