Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.