Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
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word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car