Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
There is wisdom there.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
i- i did not expect this
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
No laws when master is gone
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.