Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
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Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?