Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
Things will get butter, keep churning
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The absolute effort that went into this omg
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
