Oddly specific
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
a lot to unpack here
Lol.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
☺️
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy