Oddly specific
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if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.