Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Shakespeare: Know thyself
Me: [changes into trashy t-shirt before eating spaghetti]
January is the Mondayest month of the year
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….