Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face