Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
become ungovernable
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
🤣🤣🤣
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*