Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Unimpressed

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

shampoo implies shampee

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun