#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
In space, no one can hear…
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.