Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.