Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

*has no idea what a book even is*

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

i’m sure it’s fine

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

haha same

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire