Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.