Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Me irl

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

Greeting humans vs their dogs

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.