ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
You Might Also Like
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Best spoiler warning ever
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…