Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

Miscakes

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Anarchy

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*