Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who does Amazon think I am?

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Pickled cat.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*