Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.