Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

grandpa was shocked

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.