OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
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Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
m’lady
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
You are not alone 💚
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)