Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP