Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
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Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Maths meets science
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Can confirm.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
they finally got him. they got macavity
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.